


J-Lo Loves The Jew

by gaialux



Category: South Park
Genre: Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 13:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaialux/pseuds/gaialux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I did say I love you, Kyle."</p>
            </blockquote>





	J-Lo Loves The Jew

**Author's Note:**

> South Park does not belong to me. This piece of fiction was written for entertainment purposes only, no profit is gained.

"Jeez- Cartman!" Stan thwarted Cartman's hand away from his face, retreating further back on his bed and away from where Cartman sat.

"Kyle? Kyle, don't be like that – I want your kisses!" Cartman's obnoxiously shrill voice, complete with mock Spanish accent, rang through Kyle's bedroom. Kyle was close to covering his ears from the painful sound.

"Fuck off, man – seriously. How old is that thing? You had it in elementary school, I know that – give it a rest." Kyle lurched toward Cartman's hand and ripped the fabric hair from the boy's hand. His nose wrinkled again as he threw it across the other side of the room, knowing Cartman was too lazy to go after it.

"Aw, whad'dya do that for?" Cartman whined. "Has Kyle got sand in his va-"

"Dude! Seriously, grow the _fuck_ up!" Kyle cut off what Cartman was going to say. That obnoxious, never-ending phrase he drilled into Kyle's mind years ago. It was over, they had grown past it, and no way Kyle was going to let all those childish insults rear their ugly heads into their lives again.

"Can I at least have Jennifer Lopez 's hair back?" Cartman asks, pulling himself up onto Kyle's bed which what seemed to be considerable effort. The fatass _seriously_ needed to ditch his baby fat. "She really thinks you're hot, Kyle."

"She's a fucking _puppet_ ," Kyle said, eyes growing incredulous.

Cartman shrugged and lay back on the bed, a thump registering his body movement and Kyle felt the bed almost sink to the floor. That couldn't possibly be good for the mattress. Why did he invite Cartman over again? Almost simultaneously with the thought, Kyle caught site of their biology project spread out over the floor. Oh, right – that. Not that Cartman was any help on the assignment; Kyle had been left to complete it himself yet again. He was pissed at Stan for ditching biology for chemistry this year.

"So can I have my _puppet's_ hairback?" Cartman seemed to spit the word, like it hurt him to describe his beloved drawing as such a thing.

"No."

"Kyle, give me back J. Lo!"

Kyle creased his eyebrows at Cartman. "What is it? Your jerk off hand or something?" Actually, no – Kyle didn't like that idea. He just about gagged at the thought of how often Cartman's hands had touched his lips.

"Fuck you, Kyle."

Kyle watched as Cartman hurled himself from the bed, feeling it rock dangerously off Kyle's considerably more lanky and lithe frame, and moved across the room in the general direction Kyle had thrown that disgusting mat Cartman made into hair. It was probably better that Cartman was going to retrieve it; Kyle had no interested touching such a thing ever again. He kept his eyes trained on Cartman as he dug through Kyle's things.

"Hey, Cartman – it's not in there."

Kyle's voice must have betrayed something, because Cartman sent him back a wicked grin before digging into Kyle's stuff with even more enthusiasm. Kyle shot off his bed and flung himself toward Cartman, collided with the boys arm and trying with all his might to get Cartman _away_ from his things.

Cartman didn't budge. "What's here, Kyle? Your _porn_ collection?"

Kyle didn't answer; he just kept yanking at Cartman's arm until he _finally_ turned around to face Kyle. Sitting upon his hand was his a perfectly re-created Jennifer Lopez hand puppet. That bastard.

"Yes Kyle?" Cartman's tone was condescending and Kyle seriously considered clocking him. Yet his firsts stayed firmly by his sides until an audible sigh was released and he wandered back to the bed. He'd have to put up with that stupid puppet a while longer.

"Are we going to do any of this biology work?" He enquired, his toe lightly kicking the edge of his textbook. He'd already started the preliminary research and, in a moment of what must have been a sheer insanity, Kyle had thought Cartman might be able to help him plan their essay.

Of course he was wrong.

"I partnered with you for a reason, Kyle."

Kyle sighed for the second time in as many minutes. "Get a dictionary, Cartman. Look up the word partner."

"No."

Well that was definite. Rather than waste his breath trying to argue with Cartman over the definition of partnership and what it meant for a project. Kyle would have to stay up into the early hours of morning polishing the work. He would subsequently receive an A and Cartman would spend the next week gloating about his intellect. Next time Kyle was going to do his projects alone. He wasn't beyond begging, and he was tired of being selfless for the asshole who was slowly making his way back to Kyle's bed. Like before, the bed dipped when Cartman's ass connected. Sweet. A new mattress was in the books for Kyle's budget.

"So why'd you bother coming over here?" Kyle finally said.

Cartman stuck the puppet in his face. "Because I love you, Kyle." The accent was more horrible than before, grating at Kyle's ears.

"Give it a rest, fatass." Kyle couldn't believe he had resorted to such childish name calling, but if Cartman was going to act like a stupid eight year old, then Kyle could return it just as heavily. Maybe they'd log on for some World of Warcraft after it was all over.

"Are you insulting my ass, Kyle?" The mock Jennifer Lopez asked, "Most people are the opposite – you sure are hard to please."

The puppet kissed Kyle before Kyle could dodge its tacky lipstick created lips. He scrunched up his face at Cartman. "I could consider that sexual harassment, dude."

"On Jennifer Lopez?" At least Cartman's natural voice was back. Oh wait, he spoke too soon. "I love you, Kyle – for your babies I would give my figure."

"Give it a rest, man." Kyle lay back on his bed and hoped Cartman would just go away. His mother had given up on inviting Cartman to stay for dinner and it had to be close to that time, right? He hoped Cartman's stomach led him home sooner rather than later. That way he might be able to finish the essay and still get at least a few hours of sleep before school.

"You're turning me down?!" The last word rose to a screech and Kyle visibly winced. "What are you, Kyle? Gay?"

"Fuck off, Cartman." Kyle closed his eyes and tried to pretend Cartman no longer existed.

"Touchy!" Another screech of a word. "Kyle, don't be mad. I love you, Kyle. Come on, give me a kiss."

Kyle kept his eyes firmly closed. He could deal with Cartman's hand fake-kissing him if he had to, he decided. What he couldn't deal with was Cartman's whiny voice and continuous insults. With his eyes closed, maybe he could send his mind somewhere else. Like the biology assignment. Boring, but it needed to be done.

"Kyle."

Kyle cracked an eye open in response to Cartman using his accent-less voice. The face Kyle's eyes met was drastically close, but Kyle was trapped against a wall and forced to stay still. "Cartman, what are you doing?"

"Jennifer thinks you're sexy, Kyle."

Kyle wanted to roll his eyes, but he found it difficult to take his eyes off Cartman's even for a second. He was so close he could feel his hot breath. Too close.

"She also thinks you're gay." Cartman's eyes turned serious. "Are you gay, Kyle?"

"Get off me, Cartman," Kyle said, raising his arm and trying to push his larger friend away from him. It didn't work of course.

"Why?" Cartman asked, then held his hand right up to Kyle's face, pressing a kiss with his fingers squeezing together on Kyle's lips. "Don't you love me?" He left out the accent.

Kyle stared at him. "Cartman – enough with the fucking puppet." His voice was quieter now, more subdued and definitely not as angry.

Kyle kept his eyes on the puppet as it was slowly lowered from his face, and then allowed his eyes to trail up to who was controlling the hand. Despite what Kyle expected, Cartman hadn't moved away. Instead, his nose was almost touching Kyle's and the bed felt heavier than before. Kyle couldn't' even move away; his back was pressed against the wall and he knew he couldn't push Cartman. Even the oxygen supply seemed lacking. Trapped.

"Get off m-"

Then the rest of his breath was taken away sooner than Kyle could figure out what was happening. Just this heavy weight upon him and then Kyle registered the fact there were _lips_ on his own, and _hands_ pressed against his face, and all of _Cartman_ pressing him against the bed. Kyle finally found that strength sorely missing just moments before and ripped Cartman from him.

"What the _fuck_ was that?" He demanded, jumping from the bed and trying to ignore the pain in his leg from vaulting over Cartman. He rubbed at his mouth, trying to erase that _taste_. That sickening, bile filled, sweaty taste.

"Nothing."

Kyle looked at the boy sitting on his bed, a placid look upon his face. For a minute Kyle thought he might have been deluded about what just happened, staring at Cartman who looked no different than he usually did. Staring up at Kyle. Never had he been more blasé.

"Cartman, what the fuck!" It wasn't even a question, just a yell. Yet he still wanted some sort of explanation.

Then Cartman raised his hand and Jennifer Lopez spoke on his behalf once more. "I did say I love you, Kyle."


End file.
